We are dedicated to bringing out the best in you and your employees
Volume 4, Number 5 March 7, 2003
http://www.psychologyforbusiness.com/
Psychology for Business is a free e-mail newsletter written by
Dr. Lynda Dahlke, Dr. Paul Glass, and Dr. John Weaver, business psychologists and independent consultants. It is published bi-weekly.
You’ve received this newsletter because you’ve subscribed to it or it was
forwarded to you by a friend or colleague. To subscribe sign up at our website,
http://www.psychologyforbusiness.com/.
If you wish to unsubscribe, please see the end of this e-mail for easy
instructions
Privacy Statement: We will not distribute the address of any subscriber to
anyone.
We invite you to forward this newsletter, in its entirety, to your colleagues.
CONFLICT AVOIDANCE: IS PEACE ALWAYS WORTH THE COST?
by Dr. Lynda Dahlke, Business Psychologist and Executive Coach
Peace is a controversial topic these days, especially as it refers to international relationships. Some believe conflict (in a military sense) is never to be used; however some see it as a necessary strategy to preserve peace in a larger sense. In the wake of impassioned public opinion, many of us are looking inside to examine our beliefs regarding conflict and conflict resolution.
On a recent trip to NYC I had a very slow ride into the city from the airport due to a large peace rally. The news coverage depicted protesters “slugging” police officers as well as dragging down horses. Newscasts also carried reports of alleged police brutality toward protesters. While many involved in these protests and in counter-protests were able to express their views clearly as part of a large group, I have found that many do not confront conflict on a personal level at work and at home. Willingness to consistently confront conflict or to deal with “differences of opinion” on a one to one basis is not common in many organizations. It is much easier to express dissenting views when you know support is readily available, as when your team or department disagrees with another team or department. On the other hand, when it comes to one on one interaction, many of us have no backbone!
The cost of conflict avoidance can be great, yet difficult to measure. How often does it happen that an individual spends time, effort and even capital, embarking on a “mission” their boss has designed when they KNOW it will not work? How many times do people go back to their desks shaking their heads and saying either to himself or herself or anyone in earshot that “we are heading in the wrong direction”? Why do these individuals not say anything while the conversation is happening? Why do these individuals not say anything later when thy have had a chance to think and have confirmed their initial “gut” reaction that the idea is not a good one”? There are some legitimate times to keep your opinion to yourself- some ineffective leaders believe they know best and do not want input from others. OK. I know that can happen, but it happens even when leaders have made it CLEAR they need and want input from others. WHY?
In the end, the leader may not take ideas from others. They may still embark on their original path, but at least alternatives will have been considered. Why then, do we hesitate to confront others? Why do some of us prefer a slow, painful death or terminal disease to confronting conflict?
The problem of conflict avoidance is real and rampant. The cost can be tremendous. I have seen individuals leave their job, rather then confront someone with a legitimate issue. I have seen money spent on personnel, equipment or training that did not work out and potentially could have been avoided if someone were self-confident enough to state their view.
Why don’t we?
The reasons for conflict avoidance include:
Lack of self-confidence
An unreceptive leader
A previous poor experience with conflict
A belief that conflict is “bad”
Possessing few effective strategies for dealing with conflict
We do not want to disappoint or anger others
Are you conflict avoidant ?
Ask yourself these questions:
What is your “history” with conflict?
What messages did you learn about conflict as a child?
Did you ever confront someone when disagreement arose and have poor results? Good results?
What is your comfort level with conflict?
Avoid at all costs
Confront when appropriate
Love confrontation and seek it out (topic for another newsletter!)
Can you think of a time when you wish you had spoken up in a disagreement?
What were the “costs” because you failed to confront the conflict?
How do you feel when you hear others arguing?
Take an honest look at your comfort level with conflict. Is there room for improvement?
Strategies for improving your tolerance of conflict and using conflict to improve effectiveness
Identify and evaluate the “myths” you developed regarding conflict; conflict + anger = bad
“Nice” people do not confront
Conflict means anger
Conflict means disrespect
Conflict means someone wins/loses
Discuss your conflict “style” with a trusted friend, coach or mentor and decide if you want to change it.
Try confronting some smaller less emotional issues with colleagues, leaders:
First, identify your true feelings on the issue
Get your facts in order
No need to raise voice or pound on tables
If appropriate, summarize your thoughts in writing to aid your learning (you may or may not want to share the written ideas with others)
Read some material on assertiveness and practice in “safe” situations:
Notice if others try to use conflict to intimidate to get their way. Do not buy into it!
Be open to having others disagree with you without taking it personally:
Conflict invites attacking a problem, not a person
Invite a discussion; sometimes the “devil’s advocate” sparks useful new strategies
Present your disagreement without being negative
You are much more likely to be listened to if you dissent by presenting another idea, (How about ___ or Have we thought of ___,) rather than stating, “it won’t work”.
If someone annoys you and really knows how to “push your buttons”, try and disarm them:
Try to analyze their agenda (if any)
Ask yourself, is this about (Fred) or does (Fred) remind me of someone else I have had problems with?
What is the conflict really about?
Conflict in and of itself is not bad. As a matter of fact, it is your responsibility to voice your opinions, especially if there is much at stake. Learning to confront professionally, and respectfully are key to becoming more effective in our professional and personal lives. Letting conflict “go underground” (which is exactingly where it goes if not put on the table) can incur devastating costs to organizations in terms of morale, personnel, productivity, and financially.
Expressing yourself as part of a group is important, yet learning to have the courage to voice your opinions independently can enhance your effectiveness. Be a part of the group, but own your opinions in individual interactions.
So, where is your head when conflict surfaces? If it is in the sand, get it out or you may find yourself in a very vulnerable position!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
About the Author
Lynda Dahlke, Ph.D. is a
licensed psychologist and business consultant with over 20 years of practical experience working with individuals
and groups from diverse backgrounds and levels of responsibility. She excels at
delivering concise, actionable guidance and recommendations. Lynda specializes in
pre-employment assessment, professional coaching, conflict
management, assisting organizations to work with difficult individuals and
personalities and organizational diagnostics/consulting.
Based in Waukesha, WI, Dr. Lynda Dahlke is
available for consultation or coaching by phone, e-mail or in person. She may be
reached at (262) 789-2728 (office), by e-mail at
mailto:ldahlke@psychologyforbusiness.com
or:
Lynda Dahlke, Ph.D.
Psychology for Business
200 South Executive Drive, #101
Brookfield, WI 53005-4216
Did you know that executive coaching is
not geographically limited? Coaching by telephone is effective.
It is also an efficient use of time and resources. You never need to leave
your office to travel, nor do you need to pay travel expenses for your coach. We
offer coaching either onsite or by telephone. To
find out if coaching is right for you, contact us to schedule a FREE 1/2 hour
consultation. Or request a price sheet to determine the best value for
your organization. Call us at:
(262) 789-2728 or email us at
mailto:ldahlke@psychologyforbusiness.com.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
10 Questions to Ask Before Hiring a Coach
is now available for download at no charge
to readers of PSYCHOLOGY FOR BUSINESS by clicking on the title or visiting
http://www.psychologyforbusiness.com/questions.htm.
Also receive your copy of 9 Ways to Motivate Your Workforce by clicking on the title or visiting http://www.psychologyforbusiness.com/motivate.htm.
If you are interested in having Dr. Weaver
speak for your organization, contact him at
mailto:jweaver@psychologyforbusiness.com?subject=SPEAK .
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
To order your copy of the book, MANAGING DIFFICULT PERSONALITIES IN THE WORKPLACE: A Manager’s Practical Guide, by Dr. Paul Kenneth Glass, send your name, address, number of copies desired and a check made out to Dr. Paul Kenneth Glass for $12 per book (plus $2 shipping per book). Or order 10 or more copies for $10 per book and $6.95 for shipping (up to 50 copies). No fluff, this book gets right to the point. Send orders to:
Dr. Paul Kenneth
Glass
Psychology for Business
2717 N. Grandview Blvd. #303
Waukesha, WI 53188
Email:
mailto:pglass@psychologyforbusiness.com
To order the booklet: 41 WAYS TO IMPROVE THE EMOTIONAL HEALTH OF YOUR WORKPLACE, by Dr. John Weaver send a check for $6 and a self-addressed, double stamped business size envelope to:
Dr. John Weaver
Psychology for Business
2717 N. Grandview Blvd. #303
Waukesha, WI 53188
If you would like to order multiple copies,
send an email to
mailto:jweaver@psychologyforbusiness.com
to request a price sheet. Order in quantity and save.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
To subscribe, visit our website at
http://www.psychologyforbusiness.com/.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
If you would like to learn more about Dr. Lynda Dahlke
(mailto:ldahlke@psychologyforbusiness.com), Dr.
Paul Glass
(mailto:pglass@psychologyforbusiness.com), and
Dr. John Weaver
(mailto:jweaver@psychologyforbusiness.com) please visit us at our website:
http://www.psychologyforbusiness.com/.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>